My eyes are not closed,
but they don't feel open.
My surroundings are unknown.
The words I have spoken,
in pieces.
They are broken.
The air is the room is suffocating.
Warm as it seems, I want to scream.
But there's no one to hear me.
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139,414 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Hello! First before I review - and this really has nothing to do with anything - I adore your avatar.
This is the only line I don't like. Perhaps I don't understand it, but I don't see what "warm" has to do with screaming. I might be missing the meaning, but generally speaking, the temperature of a room doesn't affect screaming... perhaps if you put something else for warm?
I like it but I feel like it is too bare. The emotion I get from it, it's too small. I think you could plump it up - if not by lengthening, by changing your diction, being more exact in place. I don't know how to interpret this, I can't tell what situation this is being written from. I don't need to be told but if it was suggested through something, I might like it more. It's a capture of an emotion but it would mean more if I could understand what the emotion was. What are the broken words that were said, why do you want to scream, why is suffocating? And what surroundings are you being blinded from?
Just small suggestions, would be lovely.
Good luck!
UM UM UM...UM You know October girl you got talent. I can really see it, you use good words you have powerfull sentences and I can see that, but you need to finish glooing the pieces of your talent so you could complete it. What I meen is that lots of your poems and storys are short. But you have a great theme in them. You just need to finnish it. I hope you can do but still GOOD JOB!
hmm...
i dont know what to think
but im thinking hard
you made the right decision to keep it short
it deffinetly adds to the impact
it shows you can hit people hard without over complicating the words
good work